Awake Training for Parents

Dear Fellow Babies,

OK, here's my situation. My Mummy has had me for almost 5 months. The first few months were great -- I cried, she picked me up and fed me, anytime, around the clock. Then something happened. Over the last few weeks, she has been trying to STTN (sleep thru the night). At first, I thought it was just a phase, but it is only getting worse.

I've talked to other babies, and it seems like its pretty common after Mummies have had us for around 5-6 months. Here's the thing: these Mummies don't really need to sleep. It's just a habit. Many of them have had some 30 years to sleep -- they just don't need it anymore. So I am implementing a plan. I call it the Crybaby Shuffle.

It goes like this:

Night 1 -- cry every 3 hours until you get fed. I know, it's hard. It's hard to see your Mummy upset over your crying. Just keep reminding yourself, it's for her own good.

Night 2 -- cry every 2 hours until you get fed.

Night 3 -- every hour.

Most Mummies will start to respond more quickly after about 3 nights. Some Mummies are more alert, and may resist the change longer. These Mummies may stand in your doorway for hours, shhhh-ing. Don't give in. I cannot stress this enough: CONSISTENCY IS KEY!! If you let her STTN (sleep through the night), just once, she will expect it every night. I know it's hard! But she really does not need the sleep; she is just resisting the change.. If you have an especially alert Mummy, you can stop crying for about 10 minutes, just long enough for her to go back to bed and start to fall asleep. Then cry again. It WILL eventually work. My Mummy once stayed awake for 10 hours straight, so I know she can do it.

The other night, I cried every hour. You just have to decide to stick to it and just go for it. BE CONSISTENT! I cried for any reason I could come up with:

-My sleep sack tickled my foot.

-I felt a wrinkle under the sheet.

-My mobile made a shadow on the wall.

-I burped, and it tasted like rice cereal. I hadn't eaten rice cereal since breakfast, what's up with that?

-The dog said "ruff". I should know. My Mummy reminds me of this about 20 times a day.

-Once I cried just because I liked how it sounded when it echoed on the monitor in the other room.

-Too hot, too cold, just right -- doesn't matter! Keep crying!!

-I had drooled so much my sheets were damp and I didn't like it touching me.

-I decided I was sick of all the pink in my room so I cried.

It took awhile, but it worked. She fed me at 4am. Tomorrow night, my goal is 3:30am. You need to slowly shorten the interval between feedings in order to reset your Mummies' internal clocks.

Sometimes my Mummy will call for reinforcements by sending in Daddy. Don't worry Daddies are not set up for not needing sleep the way Mummies are. They can only handle a few pats and shhing before they declare defeat and send in the Mummy.

Also, be wary of the sleep sheep with rain noises. I like to give Mummy false hope that listening to the rain puts me to sleep sometimes I pretend to close my eyes and be asleep and then wait until I know Mummy is settling back to sleep to spring a surprise cry attack. If she doesn't get to me fast enough I follow up with my fake cough and gag noise that always has her running to the crib. At some point I am positive she will start to realize that she really doesn't really need sleep.

P.S. Don't let those rubber things fool you, no matter how long you suck on them, no milk will come out.

Trust me.


Sincerely,

Baby

***Disclaimer: This is not my own piece of writing. It is something I found online and decided to share for its humerous value***

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LOL

...I like to say "lol"

...not just in online communication, but as an actual word in every day verbal communication

....Lol...rhymes with pole

...it's a fun word to say...

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Mental Health

This is going to be super personal.

I’ve been feeling a little mentally unstable lately...Mostly since my surgery.

A little bit before hand too, but I think I was dealing with it better. However, since my surgery, I’m finding it harder and harder to cope with being inside my own head.

I had a massive break down at work 2 weeks ago...I can’t even work out what may have triggered it but I was just overcome with this immense sadness and it was so overwhelming that I just suffered from uncontrollable crying...it was ridiculous...I was at work for crying out loud!!

Anyway, after that, it dawned on me that I am probably suffering from depression....again........Or quite possibly, still.

I've been through a lot recently, especially with my surgery and it does bring back a lot of emotions and feelings from my past and unfortunately, they’re not such happy memories or feelings. I think that has taken a bit of a toll on me among other things and so I decided to go see my GP and get a referral for that mental health plan government scheme thing so that I can see a psychologist.

I’ve got my referral so now all I need to do is make an appointment. I’ve been a little busy lately with some pretty major stuff going on in my life right now but I do plan on making an appointment very soon for some time early in the New Year (probably after payday lol). I feel a little better already just knowing that I’ve taken this first step.

There was more I was going to write on this but seem to have gotten side tracked for the moment...

Also, since my surgery and with everything that’s going on my head, I’ve lost my appetite MAJORLY! I’m eating at least one meal a day and a few mouthfuls of another but it’s a real struggle at the moment and the thought of most foods makes me feel nauseas.
As a result, I have lost a bit of weight....I can only notice it in my clothes as they fall off me, but I caught up with my mother’s group friends on Sunday and 5 of them made comment of how much weight I've lost.

I attempted to binge eat last night....a favourite past time of mine...I failed miserably. I managed to eat a whole cookie and a few zig zag twisties but then I almost vomited so I just stopped eating and went to bed to sleep it off.

I miss food...I miss eating...it’s one of my favourite things to do...I love food so much and I love the act of eating good food, smelling the aromas, teasing your tastebuds, bringing the food close up to your lips as you salivate at how good it’s going to taste.

The textures that caress your tongue, the flavours that dance on your tastebuds....chewing and swallowing....oh god I'm getting hungry just thinking about it but then I look over at the food I failed to finish this morning, sitting helpless and sad in the bottom of my bin and just want to throw up.

Oh god when will I be able to eat again? This is torture!!

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Ms Boops Facebook Page

Good evening, loyal readers,

I have created a facebook page that combines my blogs with my youtube to make entries more accessible for non-blogger/non-youtube account holding fans.

Check it out at:  http://facebook.com/MsBoopable

Be sure to like it and share with your friends or anyone who might be interested in my rambles :)

TTFN...Ta Ta For Now

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Obsession

It just dawned on me that I don't know how I'm going to make myself "look normal" when I eventually leave the hospital and venture out in public...

Why am I so hung up on this obsession with "looking normal"?

I'm usually so spirited and carefree about everything in my life, not giving a damn what people think. Yet with this, I can't seem to accept who I truly am....

Why do I continue to let it get to me? Why can't I accept myself?

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Busways

I hate sitting next to strangers on the bus.

Ever since I was little, I’ve had this “fear” of sitting next to strangers on public transport.

As a kid, I remember whenever we went on adventures with our parents, the carriage would be practically empty, and we’d go and sit right in with all the other people...I never understood that.

Sure, “safety in numbers” and all that but I mean c’mon, mum was there – who was gunna touch us while mum was there?

For the most part, I’ve avoided public transport and if I’ve ever had to use it, I’ve managed to avoid sharing a seat with a stranger, but now that I'm working, I have to catch the bus to work every day and it just isn’t big enough for all of us to have our own seat.

They should at least put an arm rest or barrier of some sort in between the bum spaces so that we don’t have to touch.

There is nothing worse than sitting right next to someone on the bus and with every bump and turn, your legs rub up against each other in a seductive, slightly suggestive manner. The hairs on your arms intertwine in some kind of sordid love affair and if you turn your head ever so slightly in their direction, you can probably smell their breath.

Hell forget the arm rest, can we all not be fitted with our own protective bubble?

And don’t get me started on The Sneezer...or The Sniffer....or The Cougher...Then there’s the pervert, the bag lady who takes up 3 seats, the man that smells like last night’s curry and the lonely old lady who makes you miss your stop because you feel rude to get up and leave midsentence of her telling you about that time she made Sheppard’s pie for dinner back in 1976.

It’s not all bad though...I must admit, with my chaotic lifestyle as a working mother, I do enjoy being able to sit still for a small period of time and just stare out the window while my iPod blasts music in my ears, distracting me from all of life’s troubles................

You know what’s funny though? When the stranger comes and sits next to me on the bus, I feel rude that I’m listening to my iPod...I feel as though I should take out my ear phones and start up a conversation with the stranger...Or that I should take out the ear phones in case they wish to start up a conversation with me.

I don’t actually want to talk to anyone on the bus...In fact, I don’t like talking much at all in the mornings – to anyone!

And yet, I still feel rude.

But are they strangers? Each morning, the same group of people travel on the same bus to the same destination (or similar), day in and day out – we’re not really strangers on the bus any more...we’ve slowly become acquaintances without even knowing it.

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Mottephobia: Being Afraid is Humiliating

So I haven’t blogged in a while as I’ve been caught up in my life outside the internet lately, however, I’m back and I wanted to take some time tonight to write a blog about my Mottephobia.

I know it’s not the happiest of entries to start back with but it is something that has been on my mind a lot lately. As summer approaches, it brings with it that familiar sense of constant dread and fear.

In all my previous moth-related entries, I know I’ve written with a strange style of humour and blogged about moth attacks in a funny, light hearted and fairly humorous manner but that is just my way of dealing with it and accepting my fear.

After all, if you can’t laugh at yourself sometimes, what’s the point in continuing on hey? (or something more poetic than that!)

The thing is, while I can look back on these attacks and laugh, at the time, I am utterly humiliated.

Mottephobia is a completely irrational fear, and I am well aware of this. I know that those furry winged creatures won’t hurt me in ANY WAY, yet I can’t help but be absolutely frightened of them.

My fear, like an unknown power, takes over my body and mind and I cannot control the way I react. If exposed to the fear or a moth long enough, I break out in an itchy rash and start to hyperventilate. Hysterical tears are often associated with the fearful reaction as well as a nervous twitch and the shakes.

And in amongst all of that, what you can’t see is that I am filled with total humiliation.

I know how foolish it must look to people standing by to witness the uncontrollable hysteria break free and as they stand around and laugh at me, I feel so ashamed. In my moment of weakness, I pray for the world to swallow me into a big black hole. To be rid of the embarrassment and safe from the offending insect.

Since spring has sprung, I have been subjected to a total of 5 moth attacks at work. Each one more humiliating and scarier than the last.

Luckily, each time, someone understanding has been passing by and “saved me” from the beast. For the most part, I’ve been left with some small shred of dignity.

This summer however, not only am I stricken by my usual mottephobia, but I am slowly suffering two new types of fear. One of sheer terror of the Return of The Plague and one of fear of my peers.

This will be the first moth season at my new job and I work in a corporate head office. It is no where near as laid back as Woollies or my previous office job were. Certain behaviours witnessed by certain members of staff will not be tolerated nor seen as acceptable behaviour for my position.

5 moth encounters before summer even arrives has me fearful that it is going to get worse.

It has also been 4 years since the last bogon plague and I remember back then, someone telling me that those types of plagues often strike every 4 years.

I am absolutely terrified that this is true. I could end up losing my job.

As for the second part of these new fears, from the recent moth attack at work, one guy who I kindly begged to rid of the creature for me (but didn’t as it is some old school Italian bad luck thing) was later joking about it with some other staff members.

Shortly after this, another staff member approached my desk with a smarmy smirk on his face as he announced “So, afraid of moths, are ya? Ha ha….I like that kinda thing”.

I'm petrified that people at work are going to play evil pranks on me. As my desk is on ground floor, all the upper levels completely surround my “office”. Each level overlooks reception in the centre of the building and I’m surrounded by balconies.

People can stand in front of me, on either side or behind me on the balconies and look down at me.

Recently, not a day has gone by where I don’t spend my entire shift worried that someone has some evil sort of prank planned for me.

Anyone standing on the balconies behind my desk looking down on me are completely out of my view and I would have no way of knowing/sensing they were there unless they did something to attract my attention.

I feel so vulnerable and scared at work each day. That on top of my usual moth-related fears each summer is almost too much to bear some days.

I hate feeling this way. I hate being afraid. I hate being humiliated.

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The Most Disgusting Meal in the World!

So I think I made possibly the worlds most disgusting meal ever....And I ate it!

Being a Tuesday, the day before "grocery day", our cupboards were looking pretty bare so this morning when trying to figure out tonight's dinner, I grabbed the only thing left in the freezer  - sausages.

While I was at work I figured I could cook them up and cook some vegies and pasta and then mix it all together in a cheesy Napolitano sauce - I remembered seeing a can of diced tomatoes in the cupboard as well. So that was the plan. A quick throw-together sausage pasta dish.

I started by boiling the sausages and thought while they were cooking, I'd prepare everything else.

As soon as I went to the cupboard, the first thing I noticed was that we had no pasta left! Bugger....Sooo I racked my brain for ages trying to think of what else I could do with the sausages. Keeping in mind I still had vegies and a can of diced tomatoes.

I didn't want to do boring old meat & 3 veg so thought I'd try and get a little creative and thought I could mix up the diced tomatoes with a bit of stock and cornflour and make a nice tomatoey sauce base, cook the vegies, cut up the cooked sausages and make like a bake by also adding in lentils and some rice.... (Yes reading back on this slowly right now, I am seeing the error of my ways!!)

So I mix it all together and put it all in a baking dish and thought I could add a little cheese on top....

After baking it for about 20 minutes and noticing it was still rather runny and liquidy I decided I could mix up some egg and self raising flour and make it kind of like a quiche/slice thing....So I mixed it up and added it and re baked for another 15 minutes.

I sort of achieved the outcome I had in mind except well...now It just looked like baked vomit rather than liquid vomit.

Still, I'd spent all that time "cooking" so I figured eh what the hell, lets give it a whirl.

A few mouthfuls in I was thinking "this isn't too bad" but a few more in and I was kinda feeling a little queezy and felt it best to stop eating.

I contemplated a walk to Mickey D's for real food (HAHA), but that meant I'd have to put on a bra and shoes and to be perfectly frank, not only could I not be bothered doing that, my stomach was also feeling a little offended at the attack it just had and wasn't really up for entertaining again.

So that's the story of the baked vomit I cooked for dinner tonight.

Thank god we go shopping tomorrow!!!

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Muffin's Last Breastfeed.

Well, I have been weaning Muffin since the 10th of August and it has certainly been an emotional experience.

As she adapted to having no more day feeds, I stopped the night feeds. She adapted nicely and on the weekend I decided that we would have our last morning breastfeed, and our last ever breastfeed this morning.

On Tuesday and Wednesday however, she was still asleep when I had to get up for work and as a result, I didn't have time to breastfeed her.

I was rather upset by this as I had planned to keep feeding all week and wanted to savor these last boobie snuggles. I also didn't know if this meant she had decided within herself to wean and be done with it.

Confused and not entirely sure what I should do, I decide that I should avoid confusion and take it as a sign that our breastfeeding journey was finished. So on Thursday morning when she woke up and asked for boob, I did say no and as much as it broke my heart, she was OK with it.

After saying no to her, I spent the day feeling really sad and upset that it didn't end how I wanted it to and that I didn't savor what I thought was our last feed on Monday, as much as I should have.

So this morning, Friday the 9th of September, when we woke up and she asked for boob, I sat down with her on the lounge and we had our last ever breastfeed.

I asked Mr.J to give me the camera and I took a few photos and talked to her during our snuggles and made it special and I told her how much I've loved (oh god I'm crying!)...

....Told her how much I've loved breastfeeding her for the last 20 months and that she has grown into a beautiful little girl and that I love her.

I'm glad I did it one last time this morning, so I could make it special and savor the moment. I'm still really sad about it and no doubt, will take time to 'grieve' but I *think* I've made my peace with it.

Now it's time to focus on my upcoming surgery and the rest of the wonderful experiences that I will have with my little girl.

I Love You  Muffin

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Weaning - Day 7

OMG! I didn't breastfeed Muffin at all today!! :(

So last night was interesting, she woke up just after 2 am crying and normally I leave her to go for a bit before deciding what to do and normally she is back to sleep within 2-3 minutes. However, last night she went a bit longer and having Mr.J home while he's on a weeks holiday from work means he can't handle the sound and wants me to go settle her.

So we argued for a bit because really, he's got a week off work (his second of 2!) and I still had to get up for work at 6am today. Anywho, of course I got up. So I threw some choice expletives in his direction and stormed off.

When I got to Muffin, she was standing up in her cot so I picked her up and thought I'd just try and cuddle her back to sleep in my arms. She hasn’t woken in the night in months so to be perfectly honest, I had no fucking idea what I was doing.

Anywho, she kept pointing to her door so I walked there, she reached out and opened it and pointed out to the hallway. So I stepped out there and asked her if she wanted some milk? She said no and pointed up the hallway. I walked up there and asked "now what?" and she pointed to my room. So off we went.

I was terrified because last time we co slept was back during the rough patch we went through where she would cry and co sleep all night but only want to breastfeed and play all night. I do not want to go back there again!

But I was tired and probably a little extra emotional due to weaning so I hopped into bed with her.

When she asked for boobie I said no and told her we can just have cuddles. For some of the night, she laid there talking to herself but for the most part she slept on me. Man, when did my child get so bloody heavy?!

When my alarm went off at 6am this morning, she was still asleep. I tried to wake her and offer a quick boobie feed but she got cranky and rejected (figures, since I woke her up lol) and she just rolled over and went back to sleep. So for the first day in almost 20 months, we started our day with no breastfeed  :(

During the afternoon after work, she only asked for it once. And when I offered her milk instead she was totally fine with it and never asked for it again.

Just now as I was putting her to sleep, she fell asleep during her bottle. Didn't even finish it. And didn't roll over for boobie.

I'm heartbroken.

Even though I know this is great progress for our weaning journey, it's the first day in almost 20 months that we haven't had at least one breastfeed.

My First Mothers Day - 2010. 4 months old

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The "NO POO" Challenge

Hello loyal followers :)

I have created a second blog as I am going to partake in a "NO POO" Challenge but didn't want to clog up this blog with all that bullshit (LOL)

To read all about it and follow my progress, go check out my "NO POO" blog.

Thanks for your time.

Luv to you all

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Weaning - Our Progress

*written over a period of a few days so past and present tense will be used simultaneously*

12-08-2011

Day two of weaning was pretty sad. She came up to me at one stage in the afternoon and in the clearest voice possible, actually asked me for "bewb" :(

I have been wanting her to ask for it since she first started learning words and she finally does it and I have to tell her "no". I was so proud of her and felt like a mean mummy all at once.

It was bittersweet.

So far today, day 3, she's been doing really well. Hasn't asked for it once, so depending on how she goes for the rest of the afternoon, I'm thinking about possibly making tonight her last night time breastfeed.

*later that day*

Well, it looks like I've spoken too soon. Just as I wrote that last sentence, she pulled me to our boobie lounge chair and climbed on my lap and tried to breastfeed.

Feeling so shattered :(

15-08-2011

So I didn't make Friday night our last night feed as her asking for it throughout the day proved she still wasn’t ready. Which is fine, it's still early days.

Saturday brought with it a new challenge… It occurred to me that I don't know how to get Muffin to sleep now that I'm not breastfeeding during the day. So around mid-morning, I gave her a bottle and took her for a walk in the pram in the hopes that she would sleep.

It took a while but she did eventually fall asleep. But not till almost 12noon. As a result, getting her to sleep that night took a little longer than it should.

Sunday she asked for it a few times again during the day. She also didn't have a sleep which made for a disastrous mothers group that afternoon, so we left early!

Due to her not having a day sleep, she was so exhausted that she fell asleep while drinking her bottle and she didn't breastfeed at all. I was rather saddened by this as I had been feeling so stressed out by her public outburst that I had really been looking forward to that night time feed as a way to comfort us both.

Today is Monday - day 6.

Had our morning feed and snuggles in bed this morning before work and I didn't want it to end. But I had to go to work so of course it ended.

Once I was home from work this arvo, she only asked for boob twice which is less than the last few days. She is also getting better at the rejection of the boob and is happy and excited when I offer her a bottle of milk instead. That certainly makes it easier and I think and hope that it means she is slowly learning that this is what happens now and we are slowly saying bye bye boobie.

Tonight while I was putting her to sleep, she was falling asleep while drinking her milk, which is great. It's what she almost always does, although pre-weaning, no matter how "asleep" she is during her bottle, when she's finished, she always rolls over and goes for the boob.

Tonight though, part of me was worried that she wouldn't want to go for the boob. I started thinking that maybe Saturday night would prove to be her last night feed after all. Given that she was too tired for boob last night and the fact that she seems to be accepting that she gets a bottle instead of boobie during the day, I thought, maybe she might have started to associate her night time bottle with the same prospect.

But then as she finished the last few mouthfuls of milk so turned her head and went for the boob. I was so happy.

However, shortly after thinking about how happy I was, she stopped and just lay in my arms asleep. She breastfed for about 20 seconds all up.

I guess given that the end result is for her to be weaned then it is a good thing, but I still can't help feel sad about the fact that one day, very soon, we will no longer be breastfeeding.

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Upcoming Surgery and what it means

I don’t really know where to start so there isn’t really any kind of beginning to this entry.


Although given the nature of the subject, it seems fairly fitting as the beginning was a long, long time ago....almost 25 years ago now, and it is just one continuous journey with all its ups and downs.

I’m talking of course, about my Poland Syndrome.

For a while now I have been requiring a fourth surgery.

Back in 2007, I wrote a rather raw and honest post about this and I needed more surgery back then. Four years later, I am finally going to be having that surgery.

I am booked in for mid November and will be having surgery at the hospital I was born at.

I am super duper excited about my pending surgery; I will be counting down the days!

However, with my surgery, I will need to stop breastfeeding Muffin.

Yesterday marked the beginning of the end of our breastfeeding journey. She is 19 months old.

I will be weaning her slowly. Mum has advised me that I should start with cutting out all day feeds and just stick to one in the morning and one at night. If ever she goes for the boob, just offer her a bottle of milk.

After a week or two, when she seems OK with it, I should drop the night feed. And then within another week or two, I should drop the morning feed.

She should be fully weaned within the next 2 months.

It was so heartbreaking yesterday afternoon. When she went for it, I offered her the bottle but she got angry and threw it away, trying to claw her way through my clothes. I held them tight and persisted with the bottle until she eventually threw a tantrum on the floor next to me. I felt horrible. I couldn’t even comfort her because she would just want to breastfeed and is too young to understand why something she’s always been able to have is now being taken away from her.

I go back to see my surgeon on the 18th October and then that should be it until the surgery date.

I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to be normal again.

Unfortunately, Mr.J has been unable to take annual leave from work so this will make it a much more challenging experience as Muffin will still need constant care and supervision and then of course when I am out of hospital, I will be as good as useless in terms of my physical strength.

Luckily though, our parents will band together and take it in turns to come and stay over to assist us with this so it won’t be too bad.

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How to Boil An Egg....IN THE MICROWAVE!!

I love to cook. And I think I'm pretty darn good at it.

However, I could not boil an egg to save my life - seriously!

I have tried all the tricks of the trade and yet some how manage to eff it up!

Then one day, my mummy taught me a little trick. Comes in handy if you're out, hungry and don't have access to a stove but do have access to a microwave (such as staying in tiny hotels etc)

Boiling and egg in the microwave.  WTF? I know right, but it works.

Here is my video tutorial How To guide for boiling an egg in the microwave.

Enjoy...

Click:  How to Boil an Egg in the Microwave

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A bit of toilet humour to start the day

So I figured (read hoped) that my period (that started on Friday) was finished and decided to live on the edge and just wear a liner today.

Well I've been at work half an hour and think to myself "Self - I think you were wrong and mis judged the end of your period" bugger.

And of course, my tampons are in my other handbag.

So I emailed another female in HR and asked if she could come cover for me so I could go to the bathroom and could I borrow a tampon.
A very embarrassing ask as I barely know this woman but my boss is away so I cant ask her.

Anyway, I have this silly phobia of not being able to go to the bathroom with other people present.

So of course, as I sneak into the bathroom, tampax in tow, it's just my luck that the door to the first stall be closed and occupied. Bugger.

So I sit there waiting for a while...trying to pee but nothing happens...But there's silence. So I'm guessing that this woman must've been mid #2 and I've interrupted her and she's probably waiting for me to finish so she can finish.

As I sit there begging my bladder to work, the door opens and another lady walks in.

Silence.

Eventually, the third lady starts to wee and my bladder eventually follows suit - and just as well because I'd been in there for a while doing nothing.

Female #3 finishes and leaves. I finish and leave....As I walk out to the hand washing area something catches my eye...I walk back through to the toilets and that's when I notice what I didn't notice upon my rushed entry.

The door to stall #1 is slightly ajar........there was no body in there. I'd been sitting on a toilet, afraid to pee for fear of the invisible person hearing me.....

Oh dear

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Go The Fuck to Sleep

I have recently been introduced to a fantastic book aptly titled "Go the Fuck to Sleep".

It is pure gold.

As a mother, I have had plenty of nights, curled up on the feotal position, in a dark corner somewhere, slowly tearing out my hair, screaming inside my head "GO THE FUCK TO SLEEP" and I am sure, I have many more nights like this to come.

I love this book and am going to figure out where I can buy it.

But for now, here is a reading by Samual L. Jackson. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

CLICK HERE: Go the Fuck to Sleep

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Forbidden (relived)

This has to be one of my favourite entries to date. I wrote it back in 2007...

Forbidden

(click above or see below)

why is it that we want what we cant have

why is it that we cant have what we want

why cant we have the best of both worlds

why do we want the best of both worlds

when She thinks of you She hates herself, but She cant stop

She wants to touch you

She wants you to touch Her

She wants you to do what you do

She wants to kiss you, She wants to feel your skin with Her mouth

She wants your magic

She wants you to see Her, She wants to see you, She wants to feel you in her, on her, around her

She wants what She cant have

She cant have what She wants

She cant have the best of both worlds

Why does She want the best of both worlds

She still hates Herself

She still cant stop

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The Working Mum

All my life, all I have ever wanted was to become a mother. Ever since I can remember. I never wanted to travel. I never wanted a career. I was born to be a mother.


In January 2010, this dream came true when my daughter Muffin was born. I absolutely adore her and I just adore being a mother. I love everything about it.

The beginning of 2011 brought with it the beginning of some financial troubles for my family.

Everyday life was becoming a bit of a struggle, so Mr.J and I decided it would be best if I tried to find work.

When applying for jobs, I had in mind that whatever position I got, I wanted it to be with a company that I could grow and evolve with. Perhaps to one day have a career of sorts. While I do have plans to have many more children, I wanted this next job to be one that I could return to after maternity leave and continue to grow within the company.

After weeks of searching and applying and rejections, I finally landed a job as Corporate Receptionist for a big multinational company. The hours are part time so it fits in perfectly with our current work/family schedule and we’re slowly getting back on track with our finances thanks to this position.

I’ve now currently been working here for almost 4 months and I love it. It’s a great company to work for, the people are lovely and there are so many great opportunities for potential career prospects.

The only issue I have, and I knew this going in, is that I’m not actually hired by the company I work for. My position is contracted through a different company. While I do still have all the same legal entitlements as others, the downside is that when I choose to have my next child, upon completion of maternity leave, I will probably not be coming back to this company.

And that sucks!

I don’t want to be the new girl again. I certainly don’t want to be the new girl every time I have a baby and finish maternity leave. And I don’t want to always be starting out at the bottom.

I’m 24 years old. I would like to have 4 children (finances permitting). I don’t want to still be the new receptionist when I’m in my 30’s.

Within the company that I work for, there will always been other internal positions opening up and I am well within my rights to apply for them. There is nothing stopping me from applying for and possibly gaining new positions within this company that are not contracted or outsourced. And as this is something I had in mind for my long term professional goals, I’ve no problems with this.

My problems lie with the timing. If I want to have another baby soon, and I do, and if I want to stay at this company, and I do, then I need to get myself into a new position to be hired by this company in order to secure my position. Pushing my professional goals forward sooner than I’d hoped, but that’s OK. It shows initiative. However, aside from reception, I don’t think there are any other positions in this company with the same part time hours.

Also, depending on which department I went to, there may not be a flexible option for part time hours. I would most likely have to work full time.

As Muffin is getting older, I feel that it could possibly be do-able. Mr.J even mused at the thought of me working full time and him becoming a stay at home dad with a possible evening job. I entertained the idea for a while but then realised, when we do have another baby, after a year of maternity leave, I would need to come back to a full time position.

I couldn’t leave my 12 month old baby to work full time. It would just be too hard. As it was, Muffin was 13 months old when I started working here, part time, and I struggled with that for quite a while in the beginning.

The thing that bugs me the most in all of this is that there is even a question about it.

I was born to be a mother. All I ever wanted was to have babies and be a mother. I never, in a million years, would have considered possible career prospects. But I also never thought I would be working at a company that I enjoyed and that could take me places, professionally speaking.

Working here is a great opportunity and could be wonderful for myself and my family and for our future.

Financially speaking, unless we win lotto, Mr.J and I are always going to need to be working to survive and support our family, especially if we wish to have 4 children. As our children grow, I will of course be wanting to head back into the workforce and in this day and age, it’s better to always be in the game then completely out of the loop.

It’s so hard to find employment these days. The chances of a 30-40 year old mother of four, who hasn’t worked in 20 years, finding employment is going to be pretty damn tough. As it is, it took me months to land this one.

If I ceased employment with this company, due to maternity leave, the place that I am contracted with, would of course be legally bound to replace my employment with another company, but what if it’s a bad place, or one that doesn’t have any real future opportunities? I’ve worked for some pretty shitty companies before and don’t ever want to be in a dead end job again. The company I am at now not only has so many internal opportunities available, it is also such a well known company that in time, could introduce me to some wonderful connections to further my career path. It really is very promising.

I guess I just can’t believe that at this time in my life, I’m questioning motherhood versus career.

I never dreamed that I would ever be in this position before and while my heart is saying to just go with the flow, whatever will be will be, focus on having children and deal with the job stuff later in life, my head is telling me that I’d be a fool to throw away such a wonderful opportunity and I need to find a way to do both.

I guess for now whatever will be, will be. I have no idea what is going to happen in the next 12 months, career wise or family wise. I’ve no idea how things will change so I know I shouldn’t stress too much about it. But I don’t want to sit around and wait for too long and miss out on any awesome opportunities that could pass my way.

Then again, who knows, maybe I’ll get lucky and be able to have my cake and eat it too.

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As a Working Mum, Am I Entitled to "Me Time" ?

I find myself asking this question because each day, I wake up at ten to 6, Muffin and I enjoy a morning boobie feed in my bed together and then I get up and get ready and go to work.

I finish at 12:45 but by the time I catch the bus and actually get home it's about 1:45.

Mr.J goes to sleep when I get home and Muffin and I spend the afternoon together.

We breast feed and play games, have a snack (and sometimes lunch if she slept through lunch time with Mr.J). We read books, have nappy changes and go for walks.

I sometimes do a load of washing and sometimes do some tidying in the kitchen, but it depends on how clingy Muffin has been on any given day.

We eat dinner around 6-ish, followed by our shower and finish our night off when I breastfeed her to sleep.

Yet even though on weekdays, I only get a mere five hours with her, I still can't help but sometimes want to squeeze in some "me time".

Like tonight for instance, Mr.J is sick at the moment so he hasn't done the grocery shopping so I felt like being lazy and cooked a frozen pizza for dinner.

Muffin was enjoying some tv time so I used this as an opportunity to sit on the kitchen floor, listen to music on my iPhone while browsing FB and BH and warm my back on the oven door while indulging in a sneaky piece (or 3) of chocolate and a glass of water.

But I don't feel bad about that. Muffin wasn't interested in playing with me and it was just nice to sit and just be still and quiet.

It did make me wonder however, if I "deserve" to take "me time" on weekdays since I don't get to spend my mornings with Muffin and I miss her terribly.

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Wonderful

Click to Listen 

I close my eyes when I get too sad

I think thoughts that I know are bad

Close my eyes and I count to ten

Hope it's over when I open them

I want the things that I had before

Like a Star Wars poster on my bedroom door

I wish I could count to ten

Make everything be wonderful again

Hope my mom and I hope my dad

Will figure out why they get so mad

Hear them scream, I hear them fight

They say bad words that make me wanna cry

Close my eyes when I go to bed

And I dream of angels who make me smile

I feel better when I hear them say

Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world's so big

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

Tell me everything is wonderful now

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now

I go to school and I run and play

I tell the kids that it's all okay

I laugh aloud so my friends won't know

When the bell rings I just don't wanna go home

Go to my room and I close my eyes

I make believe that I have a new life

I don't believe you when you say

Everything will be wonderful someday

Promises mean everything when you're little

And the world is so big

I just don't understand how

You can smile with all those tears in your eyes

When you tell me everything is wonderful now

No, I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

I don't wanna hear you say

That I will understand someday

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna hear you say

You both have grown in a different way

No, no, no, no

I don't wanna meet your friends

And I don't wanna start over again

I just want my life to be the same

Just like it used to be

Some days I hate everything

I hate everything

Everyone and everything

Please don't tell me everything is wonderful now...

I don't wanna hear you tell me everything is wonderful now

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Moo Goo

Ok so I have just had my first Moo Goo experience.

Ever since I can remember, I have suffered from Psoriasis. Not all the time, it comes and goes. But it’s very frustrating because it can seem as though I have dandruff – wearing black suits at work nowadays makes it so embarrassing. Forever looking over my shoulder dusting off the top of my clothes, paranoid that I’ve missed a spot.

So in my search to try and calm it down, I’ve been recommended, by a number of online pals, to try Moo Goo shampoo & conditioner.

Up until this point in my life, I had never even heard of this stuff before.

After locating a nearby stockist, I went and purchased some a few days ago.

I used it for the first time tonight.

Being an all natural, chemical-free product, it is supposed to offer great assistance to the general maintenance of my hair and to keep it in a nice healthy state – psoriasis free. I have decided to conduct a little experiment and keep track of the progress and changes – if any – from using Moo Goo.

Here are my notes from Day One.

When using the shampoo:

• I found the texture to be nice and creamy, like you would expect shampoo to be.
• I loved the smell of it. So nice and earthy and natural.
• While using it, I found my hair felt instantly dried out. Until I've done further research, I'm taking this as a positive sign to mean it is removing all the nasties that build up in hair.

When using the conditioner:

• Again, the texture was perfect. Nice and thick and creamy.
• The smell, again, was divine.
• When massaging into my scalp, my hair felt so soft and velvety. Unlike other conditioners that make your hair feel all oily and greasy.
• Brushing my hair was a little tougher than usual. Normally the knots would just fall out once I ran a brush through the conditioner. With the Moo Goo in, they didn't fall out as easily.
• As I rinsed it out, my hair felt so refreshed. And healthy.

I left my hair to towel dry for 10-15 minutes then proceeded to blow dry it.

During the blow dry, it did appear to take a bit of extra effort on the knots but nothing outrageously difficult.

Upon completion of the drying process my hair feels very soft and kind of creamy, but in a good way.

As for whether or not it has assisted with my psoriasis, I guess only time will tell. To quote the Pantene ads, "It won't happen overnight, but it will happen".

Taking that strategy on board, as I continue to use the Moo Goo shampoo and conditioner, I will monitor its progress and note my findings when I see anything to report.

Although I can say, I am wearing a black shirt and after drying, I was not left with any familiar "snow flake" effects on my shoulder so that's got to be a good sign.

While I can't finalize my comments just yet, as this experiment will take a few weeks to see results, I can summarize from my first Moo Goo experience and say that over all I'm not dissatisfied with the products and after spending my entire life using high-chemical based hair products, it's to be expected that the overall hair-washing process differed slightly from the norm.

However I can confidently say that at nearly $35 for this product – I do have high expectations.

Stay Tuned.

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True Love: Hard to find?

In this day and age of mixed families, increasing numbers of single parenting, young mothers and more and more babies being born out of wedlock (mine included), I wonder, are we slowly becoming a single society? And why?

A new generation of women are emerging and they're armed with independence, skills, power and a mind of their own! They're here to take on the world with an agenda of parties, travel, career and of course, the ever so special journey of true love and motherhood.

This new generation of men is made up of a wide array of metros, hetros, snags, gays, bi's etc but these guys seem to be on a different agenda. They want sex, money and power. All this comes from parties, travel and careers. While they perform these tasks with simple goals in mind, they tend not to look for love or want to be "tied down" with a wife and kids. They don't want to have to answer to anyone when they're in the prime of their lives.

But while the men are not looking for anything serious, the biological clock of these new age independent women keeps ticking and this is the time when they need to start considering potential husbands and fathers.

While I know this is a generalisation and that not all men are like this, it seems, from the single gal's point of view, that "all the good ones are taken".

I was lucky enough to have met someone and fall in love at a very young age and I was lucky that we both wanted the same things in the way of families and life. But what about those that don't want to be young parents? By the time they're ready to settle down, it's not always that easy and while the women have been preparing themselves for this next chapter of their lives, the men are not necessarily in the same stage yet, so while they may partake in relationships for a while, when things start to get too serious, the relationships don't necessarily evolve into much more, thus leaving the guy feeling satisfied at another 'notch on his belt', while the girl spends a considerable amount of her time crying over something that could have been, all the while knowing, that eventually, she is going to have to do this all over again.

With every relationship that doesn't work out the way she'd hoped, she not only loses the time she invested in the previous failed attempt at love, but she loses an extra ounce of hope.

As a single girl at almost 30, going through recent heartache yet again, she quotes, about the current status of the dating pool and potential life partners, "The pool is massive, but there's no one worth swimming with".

Will she find love again? When will she have her happy ever after?

 

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Born to be a Mother

I was born to be a mother. All I have ever wanted was to have children. I wanted it so badly, that my own mother was expecting me to come home from school every day since I was like 13 and tell her I was pregnant (never happened lol)

When I pictured my life ahead, I never saw travelling, I never saw high paying careers, I never saw any of the stresses that came with that.
I saw nappies, and baby puke and bottles and smooshed food and clutter and chaos and cute smiles and loving adorable hugs and all that comes with being a mum.


My life (aside from our current financial woes) is pretty much exactly where I had pictured it to be - and I couldn't be happier.

Having said all that, I didn't have my rose coloured glasses on (even though my mum always thought I did). And I knew that having a baby was going to be hard.


However, I didn't know what kind of struggles I'd face, because every child is different and every one deals with stuff in different ways.


And even though I am exactly where I wanted to be and I did all that I possibly could to "prepare myself for this reality" there are still some days, some moments, where I sit and think "I would just like one hour to sit on my own and scratch my bum and stare at the clouds and be still".


I don't expect it though, but every now and then I do crave it. And I am the most maternal person I know - I'd have a hundred babies if it was possible and I was rich. Being a mother is my destiny. I know who I am more now, then before having babies and pretty much every day up until the moment I conceived Muffin, I had been waiting for my reality to begin.



This is who I am. This is who I've always been - even though I didn't have the babies to show for it.

This is me.


Love Mum
xXx
 

 

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