I almost died this morning.

It was almost 10am and I was having my mid-morning boobie nap with Muffin and I was dreaming about getting ready for my coffee date with D & C. I dreamt I was running late, it was 11:11am in my dream...I was hoping to be there by 11am.

When my alarm woke up shortly after 10am, I got up and got myself and Muffin ready and was just about to leave right on time when and I couldn’t find my keys...anywhere!!!
After turning the place upside down I found them – exactly where I’d left them. Exactly where I thought I’d left them. In the exact bag I’d looked in first. They were hidden in a nappy!

By the time I’d gotten downstairs, loaded Muffin and the nappy bag and myself into the car it was, would you believe it, 11:11am...Spooky!

I was just about to put the keys into the ignition, all the while musing about the spookiness of the time when all of a sudden, I was under attack!!!

A giant Bogon moth came flying out of nowhere!!!!!!!!!!!!

I almost shit my pants!!! In my panicky, vulnerable and frantic state, I flung the door open, smashing it into the pole I was parked next to and threw myself out of the car - literally! As I landed with a loud thud on the hard concrete, my phone smashed to smithereens underneath me and the keys dropped somewhere on the floor of the car...And then something occurred to me...Muffin was still in the car, and so was the killer moth!!!

Being as brave as I could be for my daughter, I opened every door to the car. I picked up a hand pump I found on the floor of my car and started frantically waving it around and poking it at things in the car, hoping it would shake the beast from its hiding spot so I could fight this battle – one on one, man to man, mono e mono!

With the pump as my Excalibur in one hand, and my Achilles shield, created with one of the stick-on mesh window sunscreens, in the other I was ready for battle.

Remembering that the killer beast had flown towards the back window, I realised it was trying to hold Muffin hostage. But alas, as any mother would do in such a horrific situation, I did not back down.

After moving some crap off the floor underneath Muffin’s dangling feet, I saw it crawling around on top of some other crap on the floor, circling my baby, using her has bait to try and lure me into its trap.

Hiding behind the open front passenger door I leant in and attacked the beast from behind. I poked at it with my Excalibur and forced it to reveal itself.

As soon as it flew out of the car, shielding myself Achilles – Style, I slammed both doors shut and ran around and shut the other two doors.

Realising that the windows were still all open, allowing the killer beast to come back for round two, I leant in through my window and pressed the buttons to close all the windows.

I picked up the pieces of my mobile phone, jumped in the car and floored it out of there, smashing through the wrought iron gate that surrounds the premises......................................................no I’m just kidding...it’s not a wrought iron gate, it doesn’t “surround the premises” and I didn’t smash through it...it’s just the regular metal-pole-fence-style gate that locks off the basement car park and another resident happened to be coming in at that exact moment and had already opened the gate so it was just good timing but still.....

I drove to D’s in fear that there were more moth troops hiding in my car but if they were, they were too afraid to show their ugly faces after watching what I just did to their leader!

After a big strong hard drink I relaxed and enjoyed the rest of the afternoon.

When it was time to go I bundled a sleeping Muffin into the car, along with the nappy bag and with my car door open, just as I was about to jump in myself, you will never guess what flew into my car at that very moment.
*dum dum daah* (insert scary music here)

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